Forever is a long time...

Ever have one of those things you're really struggling with? Like big changes coming in your life, big decisions to make, and things like that?

As a senior in college, those things smack me in the face every second of the day.  It seems like every person I know wants to know what I'm doing come May 11... the day after graduation from the place that's changed my life. To be honest, at times I just get plain sick of people asking. Here have been my most recent answers...

• I don't know!
• Wherever God sends me.
• Africa yo. For a year, then we'll see.
• Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'll just apply to schools in a bunch of random cities like Des Moines, Minneapolis, etc..., and move to one. This one's sounding especially exciting right now.
• Well there's this cool school in Indonesia...
• I really loved Cambodia. Like seriously, I want to go change the world there.
• Sioux Center? I love way too many people who aren't graduating this year.
• Oh wait, ELIC just came on campus. You can commit for only 11 months IN CAMBODIA and then make bigger decisions?! SWEET!

So with all of those options... and basically the freedom to move wherever in the world I feel called to teach, I've been a bit overwhelmed during the past couple weeks. Add to that the amazing friendships I've recently been developing with underclassmen, including some amazing freshmen girls, and I really just want to stay at Dordt for another 10 years with all of the same people still here. Unfortunately, that's not possible...

And then today God brought one of those awesome and encouraging answers into my head. I was listening to some Christian praise song or something and the gist of the song's lyrics was about how we'll all worship God together forever someday in Heaven. I seriously don't remember what the song was, otherwise I'd write some better lyrics in here than that poor summary I typed.

But anyways, that got me thinking. It doesn't matter where I am in two months. It doesn't matter where I am in 20 years. I mean, it doesn't matter when I think about where everyone else at Dordt ends up in relation to me. Someday I'll be reunited with all these stinkin' awesome people in Heaven and it'll be the most glorious reunion of my entire life.

That reality doesn't mean I'm not going to keep struggling or bawl my eyes out at graduation or cry myself to sleep the night before I move away. But it does mean I might experience a tiny bit less homesickness, and it definitely means I can keep finding joy in the beautiful chapters and experiences God keeps blessing me with, regardless of whether I'm surrounded by my best friends or not.

Dordt.

I don't want to leave this place.. these people.

The end.

Visualize this

Imagine with me for just one minute, just to appease my romantic edge.  This imagery spurred from my last post.

The bride's walking down the aisle.. tears streaming down her face.  She's about to reach the front when she hesitates, takes a smaller step, looks at her proud father, then turns back to the crowd.  A small murmur begins in the crowd.  "She's done this before," you hear someone say.  "Not again," another calls out, louder this time.  The bride's tears continue and the weak smile on her face disappears when she hears the crowd.  She releases her hand from her father's and begins to turn to walk back down the aisle and out of the church.

Just then, something calls her attention back to the front of the beautifully decorated sanctuary and she notices her fiance once again.  He's beckoning for her to come forward.  His eyes are lovingly patient with her hesitation, but His hands are extended towards her tenderly, and the corners of His lips are turned up in a radiant smile as He gently and calmly whispers, "Come away with me, my beloved. I will love you always. I will never leave you, nor forsake you. I am yours and you are mine. Abide in me, and I in you. Forever and ever, Amen."

Pretty beautiful, huh? Now although this would definitely bring tears to my eyes if I saw it at a wedding, the visual was intended as a symbol of the relationship between Christ (the groom) and His bride (the church).  That means we, as His body and church, are the bride.  As we turn away, become distracted, and hesitate and fail time and again to fully love God, He remains firm, standing there, in all of his splendor and glory.  He stands there, in front of a mocking crowd full of hate, deceit, and idols, and simply beckons us come and follow Him.

How freaking sweet is that?!

With more love than our new groom or bride will ever shower upon us, He reaches His arms out to us, greets us with a warmer smile, and asks us to abide in Him and let Him abide in us (Jn. 15). I'm so pumped for Heaven.  I want that to be what brings chills to my arms and tears to my eyes--not some earthly love that will fail me and will let me down--but that beautiful, Heavenly love found only at the throne of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

What a great God we serve!

Deeper, wider, stronger

If you know me at all, you'll know I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic.  Hopeless not because I think romance doesn't exist, but because I don't think a 6'2'', brunette man with a five o'clock shadow who loves Jesus more than anything in His life is going to come riding up to me on a beautiful white stallion as the gorgeous Iowa sun sets behind Him, sweep me away, and carry me off to happily ever after.  It simply doesn't happen.  I mean, in storybooks, dreams, and fairytales, YES. That sort of craziness happens all the time.

But I'm still a fan of romance.  Chic flicks have always been my favorite.  I was dreaming of wedding dresses long before I was dreaming of boys.  I hated it when my dad yelled "MUSH!" at the screen during any kiss because I thought they were beautiful.  For the longest time, I wanted to be a wedding planner so that I could make that special day extra special for everyone.  After that dream fell through, photography became my passion because I wanted to catch all the beautiful moments involved in any part of love stories.  Today, well, I just spent six weeks teaching English in China, and although I did teach my kids about weddings and even help them dress one another in toilet paper wedding dresses, I don't know that my future will involve as hands-on involvement in weddings as I'd originally hoped.

Still, in the disappointment of that shattered dream, I'm finding a beauty in the lessons God's able to show me and teach me through it.  This struck me tonight as I listened to a favorite song by Phil Wickham.  Here are a few of my favorite lines:

I see your face in every sunrise; the colors of the morning are inside your eyes.
I look up to the skies and sing; You're beautiful.
Soon we will be coming Home; You're beautiful.
When we arrive at eternity's shore, where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We lift you up as the wedding bells play; Your Bride will come together and we'll sing--You're beautiful.

I'm not a fan of that "Jesus is my boyfriend" or "I don't need you, someone who loves me already died for me" craze where hundreds of college-aged girls are swearing off boys because Jesus is the "only boy I'll ever need." Although there might be some good original intentions to that, the idea as a whole is crazy talk.

However, as a single girl, it's rough to see friends falling in love, getting engaged, married, and beginning families when none of that is anywhere in sight in my own life.  I love to dream about the man who will one day love me so incredibly much more than any past boyfriend or friend has and will treat me like the beautiful daughter of God He sees me as because He knows it brings glory to our Heavenly Father. I'm pumped for that, but I also know that God's got some pretty awesome timing in His plans for my life. So if today's not the day I'm going to meet a brother I might spend the rest of my life, who cares? Every day is created for me to serve God and love God because He loves me so incredibly much, sent His Son to die for me, and demands it of me.

So between that song and the "He is jealous for me...Oh how He loves me..." song, I don't know how I'll ever be able to run from God's love again.  He loves me deeper, wider, and stronger than my parents ever will.  He loves me more than my brothers, my friends, my grandparents, and yes, more than even that knight in shining armor who will one day appear ever will be able to... no matter how hard he tries :) God's love will always be there. It will never fail, leave me, or forsake me in any way.  It is eternal, everlasting, and unchangeable.

What a great God we serve!

Forever Reign

There's so much beauty and truth, grace and redemption, love and forgiveness... in all of these lyrics.
God is good, love, light, hope, peace, true, joy, life, more, Lord, here, God, and so much more than even those names alone. God is the head of all things. God created all things.

Take those beautiful truths and think about them for a minute. That thought you just had.. God put that there.  That movement you just made, God allowed it to happen.  That breath you just took.. God's responsible for that one, too. I bet you blinked recently. God created that tiny movement for its own special purpose.

God created YOU for HIS own special purpose. He is so good, so loving, such a bright light, the one true hope, everlasting peace, the only truth, eternal joy, LIFE, and so much more, more, more. Ah. LOVE it. LOVE these lyrics.

Want more just like this from His actual Word?  Hit up the Psalms.  They're full of beautiful, poetic lyrics like Hillsong came up with.  But the coolest thing is, the Psalms weren't written by Hillsong.  Nope, those are GOD's words. Go check them out! Psalm 1, 63, 84, and 139 are my personal faves.

Read them, look them up and listen to them being sung, sing them, meditate on them, rejoice in them, and be thankful--so thankful--for them.

Forever Reign -- Hillsong
You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love 
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light 
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy 
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life, 
In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I’m running to Your arms, 
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing 
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

 

And the winner is...

For those of you who've been intimidated by my latest incredibly long blogs and avoided reading them, or have simply missed the news...

I'm heading to China in ONE MONTH! That's right. I leave June 28th and return August 6th.  I'll teach English to some middle school and high school students for three weeks after one week of training, then head to another country for one week of exploring the more long-term focus of the program I'm traveling through.

Until today, I had no idea which country I'd be headed to for that final week.  I mean, Laos and Cambodia were my top choices, and my coordinator said I'd most likely head to one of those.  I picked Laos because I have a friend whose sister is teaching there, but I've never met the sister or even heard about her experiences, so I have no real connection there.

The story about my Cambodia choice is pretty comparable.  A friend of a friend spent a year or semester or some extended period of time in Cambodia with YWAM and told me a little bit about her experiences when I met her at Tulip Festival (If you don't know what Tulip Festival is, Google it, then come to Orange City next year for the third weekend in May.  It's awesome, seriously.) last year.  I somehow developed a deep passion for girls caught in the sex slavery trade, so when Joy--my friend's friend--told me this was a huge issue in Cambodia, the country received the same passionate vigor.

So, I put down Laos and Cambodia as my first two choices and waited and waited and waited to hear back.  Seriously, I'm not the most patient person in the world, and I applied way back in August, so I've been waiting for quite a while.

But.. TODAY.. I found out that I will be headed to CAMBODIA for that fifth week of the English teaching program.  I'm pumped.  Part of me wishes I were doing something with the sex trade rescue missions now that I'm heading there, but who knows what God has in store for me in the future.. or even in that week!

Anyways, that's an update on my life...

I'll be traveling with Brendon, Rick, Michelle, Candise, Rachel, Abby, Joy, and our team's leader Amanda (a Dordt alum--woohoo!) to Hong Kong, and then on to Cambodia in approximately ONE MONTH.

People ask me if I'm ready.  Yes, I mean, no. I mean I don't know. I haven't really thought about packing. I'm kind of scared out of my mind. But the money's all in... in a more amazing way than I could ever have imagined. WOW. To be honest, I don't think I'll ever be ready. It's China.. I've never been there before. I'm teaching something I've never taught before. Heck, I'm teaching and I've never even really taught my own class before.

However, if you ask me if I'm excited, I'll respond with an exuberant YES! God has been faithful, so incredibly faithful, patient, loving, and grace-giving over this past year, and I know that He's going to pour that same beautiful character of His through me, my teammates, and the students I teach this summer.

One month, four days, bringing God's kingdom to China HERE I COME!

Shoot. This blog got long, too. Sorry for you reading-haters.

Short summary--China in 1 month. From there to Cambodia for the last week of July/first week of August. I'm incredibly scared and awesomely excited at the same time.  Not even sure how that's possible, but God is good.  SO GOOD.

Bittersweet: My Favorite Word

Seriously, it is. I don't know how many innumerable times I've described my feelings as just that. Bittersweet. The big days were certainly that--David moving to college, high school graduation, Grandpa's funeral, first day of college, last day of each year of college, the list goes on.  Each of these days are "bittersweet" because they're just that. They're both "bitter" and "sweet." Most of those big days also involve big changes, which makes the bittersweetness of them self-explanatory.  Obviously it's "sweet," happy, exciting, etc... for new changes to occur, but the "bitterness" comes with the old that isn't a part of my life anymore.

Grandpa died--a bitter thing--but I can have hope that He's in Heaven with our Savior--the most sweetest thing.  High school ended, along with many friendships, routines, activities, etc... That was pretty bitter. However, the sweetness of the friendships that have lasted, new relationships that have formed, and lessons I've learned from it all continues to grow every day.

I could describe those further, but I think you probably get the point. I'm even betting that you have many of these same bittersweet moments of your own. Everyone does.

However, because I love thinking of the contradictions in the word "bittersweet" and so often use the word to describe my feelings, I think I experience these moments more often than normal.  Because of that, today, a normal summer Tuesday, was bittersweet for me.  Here's why:

Today I slept in, worked out, went to work, dinner with friends, came home, filled out some financial aid stuff, packed for the Nykamp wedding in Kansas, and am now lying in bed watching old One Tree Hill episodes while writing this blog.

Working out--sweet--I love it, I really do.

Working at Butler's--bitter--I'm really not a fan. There's an incredible amount of drama there. The managers play favorites, and I somehow didn't make the cut.  Plus, today I found out that for some crazy reason I wasn't scheduled at all next week.  However, the 5ish new employees all get scheduled, and the boss's favorites have over 30 hours.  I just don't get it. With a trip to China and busy semester ahead, quitting may be a decision I need to make in the near future.  Driving 20 miles for stress and unfairness just doesn't seem worth it.

Delicious spaghetti at the Fruited Plain with friends--sweet, obviously--Good food, good company, good times.

Filling out the forms--bitter--only a reminder of how poor I really am. And the lack of hours next week didn't help.

So here's the really bitter part... I came home from work and dinner after missing my pool meeting for the summer only to find that I was give less than part-time hours at the pool for the entire month of June. Add to that my frustrations about Butler's and the FAFSA forms, and I was pretty much stressed beyond belief.

Fortunately, some sweetness came in.. in the midst of filling out FAFSA stuff, I checked my email only to find out my placement to CAMBODIA after four weeks in Hong Kong and names and email addresses of my teammates for my entire 5 weeks in Asia coming up later this summer. I was stoked! Cambodia was my first choice, so I'm so, so incredibly excited to see how God may use me and what He'll show me through another culture of His people.

Unfortunately, thinking about the five weeks I'll be spending in China NOT making money soon brought back my feelings of bitterness. Tears streamed down my face as I spent the next hour frantically searching and applying for all the jobs I could find online in the area.  Mom and I wracked our brains for ideas, I emailed a couple of the lifeguards I knew would be busy with softball and let them know I'd gladly work for them, and kept job-searching and applying.

Exhausted and still needing to pack for my weekend trip to Kansas, I headed down to my room.  Suddenly, and even as I'm writing this, it's dawned on me that I haven't taken a moment to pray. In the midst of the stress and frustration, I never even thought until I began writing this how many times God tells me not to worry.  And here I am worrying.  Worrying about money, no less... the one thing God calls the "root of all evil."

Do you see the bittersweetness of my day?

I sure do.

Fortunately, I'm ending the day rejoicing in the sweetness of God's grace.  His grace that forgives me a thousand times over when I forget to call on Him, worry about money instead of His kingdom, and neglect the promises He's made to bless me and uphold me in His own way.  What a beautiful testimony this once bittersweet, now simply sweet day has been to God's grace and lovingkindness.

So what if I work 15 hours a week or find random and miserable lawn mowing jobs to add a few extra bucks to my bank account?


Daughter, He calls to me in the midst of the anger and confusion, trust in me.


But Dad, I reply, I need to pay for college.  I need to buy a car.  I need to put gas in that car, food in my mouth, money in the bank for rent.  I don't even have a dependable job. I'm sick of using every paycheck to pay my bills.  I'm sick of being poor, I angrily exclaim.


Daughter, trust in me.  He repeats.  Trust in me, trust in me, trust in me.  


And with that repeated command and promise, I'm content.  I'm at peace.  I'm resting in His everlasting sweetness.

Only He has my best interests at heart.  Only He knows what those are.  Only in Him will I place my trust.  Only in Him can I do all things.  Only in Him can I find the hope to get through another couple months of living paycheck-to-paycheck.  Only through Him will I be able to seek out the sweetness and rid the bitterness from my days.

Why "only in Him"? Isn't it obvious?

He is good, He is good, when there's nothing good in me.
Amen.

The Gospel as a Fairy Tale

I apologize in advance for this crazy spacing.. I can't figure out how to fix it...

I used the following story as an illustration in one of my final reflective essays over a book called Telling the Truth by Frederick Buechner.  Buechner's kind of a crazy old liberal, but the gist of His book makes sense to me.  The book talks about the Gospel as tragedy, comedy, and a fairy tale.  The tragedy is our horrendous sinfulness.  The comedy is that we are still forgiven, loved, cherished, and bled for by God's own Son.  Finally, the fairy tale is the Gospel's story of God's "extraordinary" love that makes "extraordinary things happen to [sinners] just as in fairy tales extraordinary things happen."  That's what the small commentaries about Buechner, tragedy, comedy, and fairy tale are about.

So, check out this conversation that went down in Sunday School this past Sunday.  I had just told the kids the story of Cleopas and his friend and their walk from Jerusalem to Emmaus.  As Cleopas and his friend are walking, they are discussing how sad they are that Jesus' body is missing from the tomb.  The women have told them that He is alive, but no one has seen Jesus, so Cleopas and his friend still believe His body has been stolen or something.  Jesus joins the friends while walking, but they do not recognize Him.  When they reach Emmaus, Jesus breaks bread for communion and reveals Himself to the men.  As suddenly as they realize who He is, Jesus disappears.  Cleopas and his friend journey back to Jerusalem to tell the 11 disciples that Jesus is alive.  At the end of the story, they are rejoicing and happy because JESUS IS ALIVE!   

This is beautiful.  The next generation is going to be spreading the Gospel like a pandemic.

“Kids, should we be happy or sad about this story?”  

“Sad!”  

“Why?”

“Because Jesus died.”  Wow.  I never get anything but “GOD!” on the first response.

Okay, so I’ll go in that direction.  “That’s right.  Why did Jesus have to die?”

“Sins!”  Where are these answers coming from?  We talked about that two weeks ago, and these kids rarely remember a word from the memory verses we work on each week.  Whatever the case, I decided to keep prodding answers out of these kids.

“Right, Dakota! And whose sins?”

“God’s!”  Oops.  There’s that “GOD!” answer as usual.  “No, Jackson, ours!”  The female twin just corrected her fraternal brother’s answer.  I am so impressed right now!

“That’s right, guys, we should be sad because Jesus had to die because of ours sins, because we are naughty and don’t listen to our parents, hit our brothers and sisters, steal candy when Mom and Dad aren’t looking, and don’t listen to our Sunday school teachers.  We should be very sad that Jesus had to die because we are naughty.  But can we be happy, or do we always have to be sad?”

“Happy!” This was a chorus of shouts from all of the kids except the boy who was chewing on his toes in the corner.  I had sent him to the ‘timeout’ chair in the corner before this conversation began. 

“Right!  We can be happy!  Do you know why?”  Here comes Buechner’s “comedy” (7).

“Because Jesus is alive!  Because of  the big stone!”  We acted out the stone being rolled away from the tomb in a previous week.  That’s what she meant by that.  But still, wow. 

“Yes! Because Jesus died and now lives!” 

I went on to describe how Jesus died on the cross because we were supposed to die for our own sins and was buried in the tomb, and then came to life again.  Because of our tragedy, Jesus lived out the comedy.  I explained to the kids that because Jesus lived after dying for our sins, we no longer had to die for our sins.  This is the truth of Gospel.  By mere coincidence, no, by God’s great and extraordinary means, I was able to share the Gospel story of tragedy, comedy, and fairy tale with my students. The kids listened, were attentive, and learned what God was using me to teach them.

As a future teacher, this has been the most exciting teaching moment of my entire pre-service experience.  I do not know that any student teaching or future teaching experience will be able to top it.  An entire room of preschoolers understood the Gospel.  As I explained more and got more excited, my students got just as excited.   Eventually, I was standing, bouncing, and jumping next to the table they were seated at.  

"Yes, kids.  That's right!  We should be sad because we are sinful and Jesus had to die because of that.  But we can be happy, we can be SO happy (this is where I started jumping) because Jesus is alive.  And because of that, we can be alive in Him!"  I was trembling at this point and covered with goosebumps at the beauty of the Gospel.

“Jesus is alive, Jesus is alive!” They chanted and sang as they followed me upstairs to their parents after Sunday school.  

Cute, yes, but they understood what this meant.  They knew the tragedy of the Gospel.  They understood the comedy that “Jesus is alive,” and they knew that they could live a fairy tale because of that.  However, unlike fairy tales, this story is REAL.

So wonderful.  So, so, beautifully wonderful.  Praise the Lord for His amazing faithfulness.

Be encouraged. (Part II)

God has even greater plans for you than you could ever imagine.


So.. what does this mean to me (and for you) in periods of change like right now?


Well, first it means that what's happening RIGHT NOW is part of God's "greater plans!"  He's using me to serve Him at Dordt.  He's using the wonderful people He's brought into my life for His glory in my own life, and I can excitedly and lovingly glorify and thank Him for this!


Second, this means that even though I might not understand why such wonderful people are being brought into and taken away from my life so quickly, I can be at peace with this because as these people leave, new ones will come, and current people in my life may play a bigger role in my future, also.  Instead of being frustrated or even angry with God about the timing of this situation, I can be greatful that they were brought into my life in the first place.  In addition, I can be hopeful for the future that is to come.


That being said, I don't want you to think that by "greater plans" I mean there are going to be even more awesome and kinder and cooler and nicer and more Godly people brought into my life. This might be true, but it also might not be true.  I might struggle to make deeper relationships; I might not have such inspirational and influential people enter my life anytime soon.  However, I can rest in the fact that by submitting to God's will and seeking to live the life He's called me to, my "plans" that I will experience will be "greater" because they will be what He desires.  


No matter what I imagine, His plans will be better because He is my Father, Creator, and Lord, and He knows me better than anyone else ever will.


And for that, I praise You, Lord. For Your perfect knowledge, great wisdom, and enduring love, I will forever praise You.

Be encouraged. (Part I)

God has even greater plans for you than you could ever imagine.

I don't remember the original source of this paraphrased quote, but I think it was some incredibly wise friend of mine. Whatever the source, I do know that I've been blessed to be able to share this encouragement with several people over the last couple weeks of this semester.  It's also been a wonderful, constant reminder for me when I'm struggling to determine what God's calling me to do in the future or who He's calling me to be with or where He's calling me to live someday.

Most of the people I've been able to share this beautiful wisdom with have been struggling with the same things.  Relationships, career paths, and simply figuring out how to best serve God with their lives--it's beautiful, really. I get to see my friends wrestling over how to BEST serve God.  They've already made the life-changing, glorious decision to serve Him, and now I've had the opportunity to encourage them as they try to do that best.  It makes my heart so incredibly happy to see this.

So let's look at that advice because well, if you're reading this, I bet there are some unknowns in your life that you'd love to figure out, too.  Although you may not know the answers to those questions by the end of this post, I hope you can find a little more peace and see a little more magnificent beauty in the decisions and mysteries of life.

First and foremost, I want to blow any wrong idea that you might have out of the water.  By sharing this encouragement, I do not mean that everyone should simply sit back, go after nothing, and forget about any dreams and goals they may have because God will just turn your life into something great.  That last part is right--if you're walking in Him, He's going to form your life into something truly glorifying to Him.  However, I'll eagerly argue that pursuing the beautiful opportunities and using the blessings and gifts He provides us with is one of the most beautiful ways to express our gratitude and ultimately glorify our Creator and Sustainer.

Second, I think you may understand what I'm trying to say if you look at encouragement as a response to discouragement.  I think that this piece of encouragement comes into play most when someone is discouraged.  Here's how I came to that conclusion...

For me, I first received this encouragement after a recent breakup.  Once I pulled my head out of the clouds I'd been floating in in that relationship, I realized that by pursuing one guy for over a year, I had simultaneously chased away any Godly male friendships I had.  Because I go to Dordt and am also simply at the age where relationships are simply a huge and central part of life, I struggled quite a bit with being single once it finally sunk in.  I'd spend time with my roommates and their boyfriends and celebrate with my friends and the sparkly new rings on their fingers, but it simply wasn't the same without any of that happening in my own life.

And then I met some great Godly brothers at Dordt and life seemed to be changing.  I wasn't dating any of the guys; it's nothing romantic like that at all.  Instead, these guys share some great wisdom with me and constantly challenge me spiritually, and I love it.  I soak it up.  And in these last couple weeks, it's suddenly donned on me that I've never had guy friends like them.  I want to marry a guy as spiritually on fire and Christianly kind as those guys.  I want to surround myself with a church body full of solid, Godly men like them.

Then I go for coffee.. three coffee dates in one week.. with different sisters in Christ on campus.  All but one of these girls are seniors.  They excitedly tell me about their job opportunities and enriching summer plans, and I'm jealous.  I want to go with them.  I want to move on with life, but even more that that, I want to keep getting to know them.  I want to keep learning from them.

So that's the huge problem here.  In the words I used earlier, that's my "discouragement" that I'm experiencing.  Of all of these new friendships I've been building, most of them are graduating, others off-campus next semester, and summer is a mere week away.  All of these people will be walking out of my life for at least the next three months, if not more.  And that is so incredibly discouraging to me.

What do I do with that?  I'm struggling to find belonging and longing to build friendships with Godly men and women.  Just when it seems like God brings those people into my life when I need them most, He strips them away.

I cry out in anger and confusion and wonder, "Why, God? Why? I need them! I'm discouraged right now, can't you see that?  Why would you take them from me at the time I need them most?"

And in the silent moments following my angry thoughts, God's peace overwhelms me, and I'm thrown to my knees as I'm convicted of my selfishness.  I need them?  Why would He take them from me at the time I need them most?

Oh heck, no.  I am so wrong.  I don't need them.  They don't need me.  And I certainly do not own them.  I need God.  I need God alone.  God, I need You.

And that's when that encouragement kicks in.  God has even greater plans for me.  Do you see the connection?  I think these people will complete me.  I think they're the exact people I'm looking for to make my life full and rich.

But I'm wrong.  I'm so ridiculously off.  These people are awesome, yes.  They're all wonderful, and I'm so happy that they are able to fill this chapter of my life.  But as these brothers and sisters begin new chapters in their lives, I need to realize that they're only a small part of the beautiful life God has planned for me.  Because although I might imagine that they would be the kinds of people that will walk beside me for the rest of my life, I really have absolutely no idea.

What I can be certain of, what I can be confident in, and what I can find everlasting hope in is the truth that God will always be a part of my life.  Through every chapter of my life, He will remain with me, beside me, and forever a part of me.  And in the same way, He calls me to remain in Him. "Abide in me, and I in you." (John 15:4--please check out the rest of that chapter; it's simply wonderful.)

Yes, I realize I didn't connect "God having even greater plans for me" to this whole thing yet.  But this post has gotten long enough, you're just going to have to wait for another one for that.

Accidentally eating carrots is kind of awesome.

I'm currently chowing down on a delicious piece of cheese, mushroom, and green olive pizza while trying to figure out what to tell you about my two-day fasting experience. And let me tell you, this homemade pizza is something else. Brian Janssen's one of the best cooks around. Hands down. Although Susanne Janssen gives him a run for his money every time she makes something, too.

On to fasting...

To say I never felt a deep ache in my stomach during my two days of fasting would be a lie.

Moreover, I'd have to say that that ache was constantly there, at least after about six or seven hours in it was.  Because, the realization I think I came to is that fasting truly shows us how human we are.  Throughout my two days, I was constantly reminded of my imperfections and sinfulness.  When I was reminded of that, my thinking turned into the awesome realization of just how GREAT God is.  I struggled through two days of fasting, and to be honest, I didn't even totally succeed.

On Thursday evening, I was babysitting and there was this amazing looking carrot cake sitting on the island in the center of the kitchen.  Most of it was gone, but there were a smattering of crumbs scattered about on the glass place on which the large remaining piece sat.  Without giving it a second thought, I grabbed a large chunk of the crumbs and popped it in my mouth.  The instant the rich, cream cheese frosting hit my tongue, I realized what I'd done.  No one but a three-year-old and infant were around, but if witnesses had been there, I'm guessing they would have described my facial expressions following the incident as confused followed by extreme horror followed by sorrow.

I screwed up.

To make it worse, I was driving back to Dordt from Walmart with a friend after buying supplies for a Res Life event that night.  My friend had bought some carrots for herself and must have been hungry because she pulled out a huge carrot stick and started chomping away. I love carrots. I do.  I also have terrible vision, so I probably should have loved them more as a child, but regardless, as a 21-year-old, they might be one of my favorite foods. That said, here's the conversation that followed:

"Ooo! Mary! May I have a bite?"
"Sure!"
"Great"
(CRUNCH, chomp, chomp, crunch)
"CRAP! I'm fasting!"
"Oh! Yeah, shoot. You are!"

Fortunately, the conversation got better as I told Mary how I'd done the same thing the day before but then realized that these slip-ups simply remind me that 1) I'm human and thus sinful, and 2) only God is completely powerful, perfect, and in control.  As a matter of fact, I'm kind of glad that I messed up for those very reasons.

*   *   *   *   *

At the end of my two days of blogging, I think the greatest thing I realized is that I don't need something like fasting to remind me of how important and loving God is, and I especially don't need to be fasting to have an 'excuse' to spend more time in God's Word. 

During normal meal times, I would pull out my Bible and spend time in reflection and prayer.  When my stomach hurt especially much, I would do the same.  Spending time with God didn't make me feel full like breakfast, lunch, dinner, or various snacks in between would.  Spending time with God didn't taste delicious in my mouth.  It didn't satisfy the pain in my stomach.  

However, fasting from food and replacing that time (and many other times) with spiritual growth and time with my Father filled me with awe, gratitude, and eternal joy.  Replacing thoughts of food with thoughts of God tasted delicious in my heart and soul.  God satisfied the pain in my heart.  He filled me, no, He consumed me with His beautiful words of lovingkindness.

"How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure. That He should give His only Son, to make a wretch His treasure."

So, if you haven't fasted? Give it a try.  You'll be hungry, I guarantee it.  Your stomachs going to ache every now and then and it will probably be uncomfortable sometimes.  However, the knowledge God will give you, the love He will fill Your heart with, the spiritual food you'll be filled with.. it's entirely worth it.  This world is not our own; we are not created to be comfortable here.

"For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ.  Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things.  But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself." -Philippians 3:18-21

Food? Not today. Just give me Jesus.

I decided to fast today. Actually, since beginning to write this post, I've now decided to fast for two days. I've never fasted before, and this was probably the most last minute decision I've made in a long time. Regardless, I decided to fast today. Here's how that happened...

I was reading the book I've blogged about a couple posts back--A Love Worth Waiting For by Max Lucado. Although I don't agree entirely with everything he writes, the premise of the book is pretty wonderful. Lucado writes each chapter on a different attribute of God that shows His perfect love for us. The first chapter was on patience, the second on His lovingkindness. I read the kindness chapter last night, and Psalm 63:3 was one verse Lucado cited that particularly stuck out to me.

"Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you."

Incredible, right? God's love is BETTER than living. And because of this, I should be in constant, fervent praise of my Creator and Savior.

So how did this lead me to my fasting decision?

Well, the verse itself didn't. However, after finishing the chapter, I wanted to read something in my Bible to complete my evening devotions. Remembering the verse, I decided to read the entire 63rd Psalm. Here goes:

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I see you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. But those who seek to destroy my life shall go down into the depths of the earth; they shall be given over to the power of the sword; they shall be a portion for jackals. But the king shall rejoice in God; all who swear by him shall exult, for the mouths of liars will be stopped." (ESV)

Did you read all of that? If you didn't, go back.. read it again. God's words are way more valuable than anything I'll ever write.

Okay, so you're done now. Verses five and six are the ones that really influenced my decision to fast: "My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night." When I read these, I literally remember my mouth to start watering. I began thinking of the Starbursts on my desk, ice cream in the freezer, potato chips on my shelf, and chocolate mousse in the fridge. I literally had to talk myself through not hopping out of bed to binge on the delicious goodness before turning in for the night.

Fortunately, I did it. I hopped out of bed and brushed my teeth instead. I have a strange obsession with brushing my teeth, but I despise using a wet toothbrush, so I knew that I wouldn't be able to brush my teeth again for at least another couple hours. The combined inability to fall asleep for the night without the fresh taste of toothpaste in my mouth and large plastic retainers in my mouth put that junk food out of my reach. 

And somewhere in the midst of winning that strange mental argument, it hit me. I was obsessed with food. If you know me at all, you've probably noticed that I eat a lot. I've always had a pretty decent metabolism, so it's not really a weight issue, which really only makes the situation worse. Sometimes I skip breakfast if I'm in a hurry (that's terrible for me, I know), but if I'm not enjoying a meal twice the size of the person's next to me, then I'm snacking on candy, chocolate, chips, crackers, etc.. You name it, I eat it. The less healthy it is, the more likely I am to gorge myself in it.

Solution: How about I fast? It was literally the first thought that popped into my head after I realized my food obsession. God warns us of the dangers of food, especially overeating/gluttony, all over the Scriptures. God says the wicked have their God as "their belly." Yep, I am pretty close to that. I've never fasted before, and honestly, I don't know much about it. But, I did know that it meant no eating, so I figured I knew how to start it.

That decision made, here I sit. I'm in the library, Bible, laptop, and water sitting in front of me. I'm starving. Really, I genuinely am in a little bit of stomach pain because I haven't eaten in over 16 hours. But you know what? Physically, I'm going to survive. The little bit of discomfort I feel for the next day and a half will be over soon. More importantly, I'm spiritually being fed and feeling alive. I've been reading over Psalm 63 and encountering other new Scriptures (to me, at least) all day long. Between classes, during class (oops!), and every other spare minute that I'm not blogging about it. I'm loving it.

Tomorrow I'll blog a little bit more about my decision, including why I decided to switch from one to two days of fasting. Also, I'm really excited to see what God will continue teaching me in this next day dedicated to replacing my God of food with my one, true, God full of lovingkindness. Be sure you come back to read more! :)

My Beautiful, Magnificent Future

I realized today that I'm a junior in college. Weird epiphany, I know. You'd think I would have figured this one out earlier. I mean, yes, I knew that I was a junior. But today, I realized I'm a JUNIOR. This would be ten times easier to explain if you could hear my tone of voice.

Think with me for a second. Do you remember being a high school junior, seventh grader, or maybe even a second or third grader? Try to think back to some college kids you may have known when you were that age. Didn't they seem SO old and SO mature and SO smart? Well, I guess I am older, probably more mature, and definitely smarter than I was in second grade, but this is still a crazy concept I'm having a difficult time grasping.

I have learned so much, laughed so much, cried so much, met so many new people, forgotten about so many people, and simply changed so immensely much since those days when I thought being a college student was so far away. And now, here I am: a couple weeks of my junior year left, one more summer break, one semester left on campus, one semester of student teaching, and then I'm done. I'll graduate, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to graduate school anytime in the near future, so my learning in a school environment will be done. My college communal living will be over. I'll job search, interview, and Lord-willing jump into a teaching job sometime soon. Sometime down the road, I'll hopefully get married, have some kids, and begin raising a family. This stuff is so close I can smell it!

I'm just so freaking old, I don't really know how to handle all of these previously known but recently illuminated realizations.

Some people say growing up and entering the "real world" is scary. Some say it's exciting. I think I'm going to agree with both of those opinions. Moving away from my family is going to be a change, and probably a scary one at that. Beginning a new life in a new community is going to be crazy scary. Agreeing to spend the rest of my life with someone I haven't known for all of my life is deathly scary to me right now, especially since I'm single. And giving birth someday, well, let's not even go there yet.

Yet, at the same time, I think there's an exciting, invigorating beauty to all of that. In the past few days, I've been able to engage in some pretty serious conversations with a couple close friends and have been both reminded and able to remind them that God's got some pretty seriously rockin' plans for our lives. The most beautiful part of that truth is that as God's daughter, those plans He has for my life are more magnificent than anything I could ever imagine.

By that, I don't mean that God's going to give me an easy life where everything goes perfectly. But I do mean that no combination of a career path, relationship with my family, future new church family, or children bearing His image that I can dream up will be as perfect as what God has planned for me. I might do nothing with my Dordt degree and become a scuba instructor. Maybe I'll end up overseas starting a church with my husband whom I won't meet for another five years. Or maybe, but I pray not, I won't be able to have children and will end up adopting four Chinese babies as my own instead. Who knows?

What I do know is that someday I'll be able to serve God through some job that I'll most likely love, but it will definitely have its bad days. I can already see that through my parents' jobs.

What I do know is that someday I'll meet, fall in love with, and marry a man with whom I can serve God with even better than I can serve by myself, but we'll have some rough days. Through the relationship experience I have and my parents' marriage, I know that is definitely the truth.

What I do know is that someday I'll hopefully be able to raise some beautiful children up in the Lord's love and grace and see them flourish into the servants He's already intended them to be, but we'll have some rough days. My relationship with my mother can definitely attest to that reality.

Most importantly, what I do know is that whatever happens in my future, I rest in the confidence that God has beautiful plans to use me in service in His Kingdom as I seek to glorify Him through a life of service to Him. And this, to me, means that I have the most beautiful, magnificent future to look forward to every single day for the rest of my life.

God makes life AWESOME!

AHH! I just have to share with you all how awesome God so that you can join me in continuing to praise Him for His greatness and enduring love! I apologize for the excessive amount of exclamation points you'll probably see in this post. Trust me, I'm an English major, I hate them as much as you do, but I just have to use them!!

So basically, it's Sunday (well, it was when I started writing this post).. which is kind of a given to make God's love seem extra awesome because I get to hear His Word and gospel preached and proclaimed TWICE.. worship him multiple times.. and basically just experience some amazing community with His children ALL DAY LONG.

Here's a run-down of my Sunday:

1. I woke up.. on time to get ready for church..which is rare on Sunday mornings, so that started my day off great to begin with.

2. Went to church--the sermon was rockin'. All about honoring God, something I definitely need to work on and will always need to be working on. Also, we sang one of my favorite hymns--Be Thou My Vision. Oh, Lord, keep my eyes on YOU alone!

3. Taught some insanely rambunctious preschoolers about how Jesus died for THEM. I'm not sure they understood, but at the end of the time, they could recite "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us," so I'm hoping 5 years down the road it will come back from their subconscious. Either way, seeing 4 and 5 year olds struggle with and come to some understanding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is a pretty amazing thing to witness Sunday after Sunday.

4. Our church had a GREAT potluck. Well, actually, they're ALWAYS great. But this basically meant an INSANE amount of community with people of every age you could possibly imagine. I helped a 4-year-old clean up the cookie she chucked under the table and chatted about my excitement and fundraising for my upcoming trip to China with a 65-year-old. Wonderful, wonderful, God-glorifying times. Ah. So great.

5. Bridal shower. This was cool.. made me want to not be single for the sole reason that I'd LOVE to have some awesome baking pans and a cute new apartment to fill with all sorts of adorable decorations. But yes, I'm content single. And will not change my decision because of bridal shower gifts. :)

6. So, I finally got home from church around 3 in the afternoon.. spent a couple hours chatting with my mom. If you know my mom and my history at all, you'll also understand that this was an extraordinarily rare thing to happen up until a year or two ago. Everytime I spend some more quality time with my beautiful mother, I'm constantly reminded of God's grace, mercy, and enduring patience for His sinful children.

7. I headed off to church again around 5 for a mission committee meeting. Volunteered to write some bulletin inserts and bake a coffee cake. Talked and talked and talked about all of the financial and spiritual needs missionaries everywhere need. I decided that I would love it if God made me rich someday. Before you scream hypocrite at me, know that I would love to be rich so that I could give and give and give, and teach my kids to give everything away for God's kingdom, too!

8. Church service numero dos..with my Daddio preaching this time. I've written in past posts about how much I've come to appreciate and love having my father as my pastor. Seeing my dad share his heart with the people I know closer than my own extended family is a blessing I've too often taken for granted.

9. GIFT at Northwestern + seeing all sorts of old high school friends and spending time with some great college friends. SUCH a GREAT way to end the Lord's Day in worship and community with Him and His children.

To God be all the glory for the amount of joy He's brought into my life!

Live under God's waterfall of love

Last night I began reading Max Lucado's A Love Worth Giving, which has so far turned out to be a wonderful read. The book is all about seeing God's perfect example of love as the reason why we should also seek to give that love away to others, and especially God, in return.

Lucado subtitles the book, "Living in the Overflow of God's Love." Isn't that a beautiful picture?

There's this absolutely breathtaking hike with a surprisingly beautiful stream, pond, and collection of waterfalls at the top of it in Western Colorado, about 30 minutes or so before you hit Glenwood Springs on whichever main highway goes straight across Colorado (I'm terrible with highway/interstate numbers). I hiked with some of my family back when I was in middle school, but when I have to think of the most beautiful nature I've ever seen, Hanging Lake still comes to mind first. It's breathtaking, absolutely the most riveting, God-glorifying thing I have seen. Oh, I wish I could take you all there right now! If I could live near there for the rest of my life, I would be so content. Unfortunately, I'm in Sioux Center and don't have any plans to visit Colorado for at least another six months or so. Instead, I'll try to make you feel and envision what I currently am...

Okay. So, imagine you're standing at the bottom of a waterfall, not underneath it, just watching the water rush down, crash into the rocks at the bottom, and continue flowing out from there. It's a gorgeously sunny summer day and you're standing barefoot in the shallow pond that's been created by the overflow of the waterfall. You're wading in that water, letting it rush over your feet. As you near waterfall, you're getting wetter and wetter until you're finally standing directly underneath it. You're soaked, drenched, saturated, and so incredibly joyful. Now you're jumping, skipping, dancing, and singing at the top of your lungs as you smile into the crisp, refreshing water that streams down around you. Beautiful, refreshing, and--if you're reading this on a hot summer day--I bet this is making you want to go jump in a pool and experience a little taste of what I just described. Are you feeling awesome.. amazing.. incredible.. spectacular? I hope you are because I sure am! Seriously, I think I got chills.

Now that you have that feeling and image in mind, know that that waterfall isn't actually water. Instead, it's God's love. God's amazing, everlasting, beautiful love that will always be more refreshing and be able to fill you with more joy than any gorgeous waterfall ever will. This is God's amazing love reserved only for those who He's chosen to be His children and followers. If that's you, this love is for YOU! If that's not you, please pray seriously about accepting God's free gift of love. Ah. It's so so SO wonderful. Close your eyes. Let God's love rush down around you. Hear it crashing on the ground beneath you. Feel it roll down your body and stream over your feet as it overflows. Do you see it streaming away from you? Here's where you come in! Let that love stream. Let it stream from you to everyone around you. Let everyone you encounter feel God's love.

At Hanging Lake, there's also this crazy rock that shoots a stream of water out from the top of a hill and into the little lake that's also fed by a couple waterfalls. If I remember right, no one can really explain why that water keeps coming out of the rock, but it simply doesn't run dry. The same is true with God's love that's flowing all over you. God's love does not run out. Share it. Spread it around. Give it, live it, love, love, LOVE! Let God's overflow of love ceaselessly overflow because it will never run out. Let everyone around you feel that refreshing love as it saturates them as you're already saturated.

Praise God for His unfailing, abundant love!

My Savior.. Redeemer... and every other wonderful name!

Did you know Pizza Ranch is techincally a "Christian" business? Well, they are.. and they even have a daily devotional!

Check out Friday's devotional here. It's really awesome.

And have an absolutely amazing Monday.. Christ is risen from the dead! Find hope.. joy.. excitement.. and be God's love to the world today and every day! :)

CHINA!

Hey all! I'm heading to China this summer! I'll probably spend most of my blogging time on there.. at least until summer hits and I have more time to spend on both.

Please, check it out.. and ask me questions, challenge me... I would LOVE to tell you all about the extraordinary opportunity God's placed in my life.

Here's the link - http://kristininchina.blogspot.com/

All glory be to our GREAT God.

PINTEREST

I figured it out..

4. (this one's the right reason) ... Pinterest steals all of my blogging time, and my thoughts are definitely sorted into categories easily on that site.

Nothing new under the sun...

Is it strange that I have nothing to blog about? I mean, sure, maybe if I'd try really hard and not be exhausted and sitting in bed on a Friday night at 11 PM, then maybe, just maybe I'd begin blogging again. I have a couple possible explanations for this.

1. I think I've just begun talking about everything I want to blog about.
2. For awhile, I think I thought in blogs. You know how sometimes people think in facebook statuses or immediately want to tweet when something ironic or hilariously awful or ridiculous or strange happens? Well, I went through the facebook thinking phase of that. Then I went through the blogging phase. Now I think I'm growing out of the twitter phase of that type of thinking. And now, I guess I just think thoughts and keep them in my head. Who knows...
3. Maybe I just don't think anymore.

I love blogging, I do. Plus, as an English major, it's always good to keep writing. We'll see what happens.